Scheduling intimacy may not sound like the s*xiest thing, but hear me out...
This may be a controversial opinion, but many s*x therapists and coaches would agree: there are benefits to scheduling intimacy!
Hear me out. I know that scheduling intimacy might not sound like the s*xiest thing, but taking the time to carve out a designated time to connect with your partner can improve the overall health and satisfaction in a relationship, especially in a long-term relationship where the passion has waned or s*x itself may be completely absent.
There’s also a general myth that s*x should just happen, but for a lot of people in long-term relationships, it doesn’t work that way. And that’s fine! Or maybe it does! And that’s great too!
NOTE: Scheduling intimacy doesn’t have to involve s*x!
Scheduling s*x may work for many people, but for others, scheduling s*x can create pressure, and no one should be having s*x if they don’t want to. That’s why it may be helpful to approach this scheduled time with the intention of creating intimacy, finding something to do that will bring you and your partner(s) closer together. That might be planning a date night, taking a hike, giving each other massages, cooking a meal and following a new recipe, cuddling, taking a road trip, or learning a new activity together. The goal is for the time to be uninterrupted and also, yes, fun!
NOTE: Scheduling intimacy takes the pressure off!
The idea here is that s*x may or may not happen, but that you don’t have the pressure or expectation of it and the intention instead, is to connect and enjoy yourself and the experience you’ve planned with your partner(s). You might find that this leads to s*x, and if so great, if not that’s fine too! What is guaranteed is enhancing intimacy, deepening connection, and feeling good about setting an intention and seeing it through with your partner(s).
How to Schedule Intimacy:
Get out the calendar: Sit down and carve out a time that works for both of you. Texting can be great, but sitting down together increases “facetime” and creates more intimacy through the intention setting process, planning, and it can create anticipatory excitement. Go beyond logistics- think emotionally and mentally as well: when are you most engaged, energized, or turned on? Write down the intimacy date/activity on a calendar.
Build Anticipation: Communicate your excitement to your partner(s) about the scheduled date beforehand. This isn’t about communicating expectations necessarily; instead, communicate your excitement about connecting with your partner, how much you’re looking forward to spending time with them. Your planned intimacy date may involve gathering supplies or new couple's toys, or making arrangements that involve teamwork. This can also bring you closer together before the scheduled intimacy occurs, again, building anticipatory excitement and even arousal as you collaborate and initiate.
Do Your Best to Stick with The Schedule! It can be hard to follow through, but commitment from all parties will help to overcome inertia. There might be a slight sense of pressure or discomfort at first, but this might lead to positive momentum or disrupt stagnancy and/or phobic blockages regarding intimacy. Again, this doesn't have to be about s*x. The most important thing is experiencing uninterrupted, quality time with your partner(s) in ways that deepen your connection, bond, and overall relationship satisfaction.
Scheduling intimacy is certainly not for everyone! Every relationship is unique, and designating time for intimacy is just one approach to deepening connection and improving relationship satisfaction. Feel free to experiment to land on a version that works for you. And if you have any further questions or need more personalized guidance and support along the way, reach out and schedule a free 15 minute consultation with me today!
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and S3xology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!