What if I told you the path to better s*x involves unlearning almost everything you’ve ever been taught about s*x and s*xuality?
What if I told you the path to better s*x involves unlearning almost everything you’ve ever been taught about s*x and s*xuality? That GREAT sex doesn’t necessarily involve learning a new technique, position, renting a hotel room, or trying a new toy (though those can ALL be fun too!) BUT rather involves a reframing and re-learning of almost everything we’ve been taught to believe about s*x in the media, movies, literature, from teachers to parents, to peers, to porn.
Unfortunately, and yet simultaneously fortunately as unlearning provides a path to expansion, embodiment, and yes, better s*ex, the path to presence and intense connection with another person is an art, a practice, and a journey, which often involves both self and relational discovery and exploration.
Now, I’m sure you’re curious about some of the MYTHS you’ve been told about s*x and s*xuality. Well, I’m here today to debunk 3 myths you’ve been told about s*x that may lead to some unlearning and even more importantly, opportunities for self-reflection and perhaps even greater pleasure!
Myth #1: Great S*x Is Always Spontaneous
Generally, this isn’t always the case. Sure, there are many people who experience spontaneous desire, desire first then arousal. However, many people, especially women, experience responsive desire, arousal first, then desire. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to plan a date night and set out rose petals and candles, though this could certainly be enjoyed by many. The idea is to be intentional about setting a time and creating the right context and conditions to meet the needs of all individuals to create pleasurable and comfortable conditions. Though you can’t guarantee an optimal s*xual experience, when s*x is approached with intentionality, those experiences may be more likely to occur. Sometimes the best “spontaneous” sex takes hours of anticipation, preparation, or planning.
Myth #2: Great S*x Ends in Org*sm for All People
It turns out, there’s a lot more to s*x for most people than simply org*sm and penetration. What if org*sm isn’t your motivation? Oftentimes, chasing an org*asm can derail connection or presence in the moment. In fact, many people cite openness, embodiment, and overall merging or connection with their lover(s) as ingredients for great s*x. Focus on how you want to feel and see what opportunities arise when you become less goal-oriented, and more pleasure or sensation-oriented. Exploring energetic exchange, synchronous breathing, sensual massage, or practicing experiencing deep presence, embodiment, and complete surrender with another lover(s) can bring great pleasure, perhaps beyond that of an org*sm. AND, if you read last week’s article, org*sm denial can be pretty fun in building arousal too!
Myth #3: Great S*x Only Happens At the Beginning of a Relationship
No doubt, NRE, or New Relationship Energy, that intoxicating blend of brain chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin that make us go CRAZY for our new lovers is hard to maintain, generally beyond the 2 year mark. It’s common for the passion and sex to wane after the NRE fades, BUT, I’m here to remind you that great s*x takes EFFORT. So, maintaining the connection with your lover(s) will depend on the effort you put forth to nurture your s*xual connection. Not only is this about intentionality, but it’s also about recognizing that s*x and s*xuality are fluid. Our needs, desires, and s*xual fantasies or interests can and will change over time, and that is the beauty of our journey. Having built a foundation of trust and feelings of safety with your partner(s) will help to create a haven for your evolution, transformation, and changes throughout your life. We can look forward to the changes in our s*xual lives with curiosity and excitement, rather than worry, dread, or comparison. Your s*xual journey is yours to claim and define on your own terms.