Most of our relationships, intimate and platonic, are based on spoken and unspoken agreements that inform the dynamics, action, and evolution, or stagnation, of the relationship. However, when it comes to practicing forms of ethical or consensual non-monogamy, it’s imperative that all people involved have taken the time to establish their boundaries. Generally, this happens through the form of agreements, or in other words, mutually agreed upon, conscious decisions flexible enough to accommodate individuality, growth, and change, as defined by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, authors of “Ethical Slut.”
While "rules" imply a certain rigidity, agreements can help people negotiate the conditions, environments, and behaviors that will not only get everyone's needs met, but also create the contexts, experiences, and outcomes that align with all partners' personal boundaries. Being open and honest about boundaries from the beginning will help to create an atmosphere of openness, vulnerability, safety, trust, and respect for everyone’s needs. And as always, the agreements are based on everyone's consent!
The Question...
So, how exactly DO you set consensual agreements with your partner(s)? This will differ for every unique couple, triad, polycule, or group of people based on their communication styles and personalities, of course. However, if you’re looking for a bit of a road map for setting agreements, check out these three tips below!
1. Consider Your Intentions and Desires
It seems counter intuitive, but the process starts with... you! It can be helpful to first consider your intentions, desires, and preferences for a specific relationship style. Ethical non-monogamy is an "umbrella term." What type of structure works best for you? Polyamory? Swinging? Monogamish? Why do you want to do this? What are you excited to explore? Do you want a relationship hierarchy? What role will transparency, communication, and honesty play in your relationships? What is the ideal experience you’re looking for? These are some questions you can consider, and/or discuss with your partner(s) when you feel ready. Take your time thinking about this. The clearer you are on your intentions and desires, the more likely you'll be to communicate them to your partner(s).
2. Commit to and Practice Negotiation
When making agreements or contracts with others it can feel like a negotiation. And, your desires, wants, or needs may not necessarily align with your partner(s). Everyone can have different desires, backgrounds, or boundaries, which is why constant, clear, and honest communication is so important. Remember to practice patience and understand that your partner(s) are on your team. You aren’t necessarily looking for ways you can get your needs met, but how everyone can fulfill the needs of the partnership(s). Also, consider the context of the conversation, when it happens, and remember that it’s okay to take breaks in the conversation, if needed. Through negotiation, and possibly compromise, it’s helpful to remember and honor your boundaries and never do anything you don't want to!
3. Revisit Your Agreements and/or Relationship Contracts
Be flexible and open to change. People change, our desires change, and our circumstances change, which may call for certain “tweaks” in the agreements. Agreements can change just as relationships do, and negotiations are oftentimes an on-going process and conversation. Continue to commit to honesty, transparency, and open, respectful communication. Even going so far as to schedule specific relationship “check ins” can help maintain intentionality and health of the agreements, but more importantly the relationship(s) themselves.