By Jamie Azar Certified Sex and Relationship Coach
Follow @eroticexpressionsedu
When we neglect to maintain our independence and autonomy in a long-term relationship, we risk “merging,” “fusing,” or “enmeshment” with our partner. In essence, what this means is we lose our own sense of individuality; we may become attached, we may stop seeing our partner or spouse as an erotic being, and we may forget to see ourselves as a separate erotic being.
Fusing or enmeshment may be a conscious or subconscious coping technique enacted when you’re anxious, upset, or afraid. You may want to try and appease your partner or just “smooth things over" when addressing an issue. Perhaps one person or both people fear moving towards autonomy as they harbor self-doubt and seek validation for their self-worth. Perhaps it happens due to domestic patterns or habituation.
On the other end of the spectrum, couples may experience detachment. Couples who are detached might be seen as “emotionally” unavailable. These couples or individuals might be focused, achievement-driven, and rigid on emotional boundaries. They might be good listeners, but rarely share about themselves and may prefer to keep a “safe” emotional distance from their partners to avoid pain and rejection.
Enmeshment and detachment, or combinations of both tendencies may create a “dysfunctional equilibrium.” There might be a “tug-n-pull” between partners seeking and/or avoiding, which can make connecting difficult: emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, etc. And while it’s unrealistic to expect for there to be perfect harmony and balance in a relationship at all times, persistent periods of disconnection and separation can wreak havoc on your sexual life, especially if the couple is unaware of these dynamics. Enmeshment might lead the couple into feeling like roommates or housemates, while detachment could make you feel like your partner is a stranger to you, even though you’re in the same room.
So, how do we nurture and/or restore equilibrium in a relationship? Steps towards differentiation- which refers to the ability of a person to accept and discern thoughts and emotions equally, manage reactivity, make meaningful choices, care for themselves and others, and who find the balance between belonging and separation- helps to create a feeling of you, me, and us- senses of interdependence, autonomy, and what I like to refer as fertile ground for erotic differentiation- which can lead to reigniting sexual connection.
Here are 3 ways to build differentiation, autonomy, and increased sexual connection in your relationship:
Set Emotional Boundaries
Take responsibility for your emotions. Learn how to regulate your emotions and discover what works for you. Remember what tools you have immediate access to: your breath, your body, movement, pets, music, journaling, meditation, etc. Take time for yourself when needed and prioritize your personal, emotional work outside of your relationship. This doesn’t mean you don’t share or express vulnerability with your partner, it’s just a gentle reminder to create space for yourself, and for your partner(s) or spouse(s) introspection, emotional attunement, regulation, and boundary setting outside of the relationship itself.
Continue To Build and Re-Build Your Identity
Do you spend time with friends? Do you make time for your hobbies? Do you ever take yourself out on a date? Travel alone? What parts of you have you forgotten? What is missing from your outlet or avenues for creativity? For self-expression? For joy? Create space and time for those activities that bring you pleasure, joy, and that make you feel free. Guess what? This generally turns us on! This erotic, creative, life-giving energy can then be nurtured into your relationship. Seeing someone get excited about what they love to do is also really attractive to a lot of people!
See Your Partner or Spouse as An Erotic “Other”
If we live with our partner or spouse- we see it all! Through habituation and domestication, and daily bodily functions (ha!), it can be difficult to remember to see our partners or spouses for the erotic sexy beings that they are- and to see ourselves as that too! This is where it’s time for a “differentiation reframe-” a change in perspective. How can you shift your perspective and see your partner or spouse as an erotic “other?” Outside of domestication? Of parenting? Strike a distance. Observe them as an “other” when they interact with other people or when they are engaged in an activity or doing something they love. Notice all the aspects you love about your person or people physically and emotionally-see their aliveness and separateness and identity outside of your perception of them- YOUR idea of who they are- who they’ve become to you. Strike a distance.
A functional balance in a relationship ultimately involves a healthy dose of autonomy, sense of belonging, communication, and the ability to differentiate from our partners or spouses- to see them as the erotic being they are- outside of who we think we know them to be, outside of habituation, and outside of domestication- and to allow ourselves no nurture our own senses of autonomy, independence, and eroticism, outside of the relationship itself as well.
If you’re looking for more personalized guidance or support in your relationship, we’ve got you! Come meet one of our therapists or coaches here at LAST. We’d love to support you!
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Thanks for reading!
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