Boundaries and Consent: Start By Saying “No”

At the end of the day, setting healthy boundaries requires recognizing the difference between willing consent and self compromising acquiescence.

It wasn’t until just recently that I started noticing how difficult it is for some people to set boundaries, unapologetically. It’s understandable. Being compliant, for example, is often applauded and expected during our childhood. I’m sure most of us heard things like “do as your mother told you,” or “do what your father says.” Some of us were even punished for saying no to the things we didn’t want to do, the food we didn’t want to eat, the places we didn’t want to go. How many times were we, as children, forced or coerced into giving family members hugs, even when they felt more like strangers? What I’m intending to elucidate is how from a very young age, we are praised and commended for being appeasing, complicit, “people pleasers,” and far too often punished, shamed, or guilt tripped for saying no.

One can imagine how these internalized messages, patterns of behavior, and defining expectations during our formative childhood years become our subconscious “co-pilots'' as adults and in some cases our defining personality traits. It is all too often these tendencies appear in ways that make it difficult for us to feel comfortable giving enthusiastic yes’s and clear no’s to other peoples’ offers, invitations, and requests as adults.

I’m not here to pathologize, but rather to highlight the intimate relationship between boundaries and consent and to show how from very early on, a lot of us learned to compromise ourselves and were even met with positive reinforcement for doing so. Now I know many people assume that consent only applies to sexual situations; however, consent or lack thereof permeates every action or inaction in our lives, and if we want to grow more confident giving enthusiastic yes’s in the bedroom and unapologetic no’s between the sheets, we must learn how to say “no” in daily life, in the midst of more mundane moments when we find ourselves “giving in” or simply acquiescing when in reality, our willing consent is ambiguous or faltering, which leads to detrimental self compromise.

I believe part of the problem is we aren’t taught that it’s okay to say no sometimes, especially as women. Women have historically and traditionally been taught to listen, to obey, to comply. And let’s face it. People don’t like hearing no, especially when they want something from you. So in the end, it’s easy to see why setting boundaries can be so difficult. But it doesn’t mean it’s impossible, and it doesn’t mean our boundary setting skills can’t be refined or improved.

Here are what I believe to be three best practices and guiding principles when setting boundaries- unapologetically: These guiding principles can be applied to your intimate relationships, partnerships, friendships, family members, colleagues, and even fur babies:

1. Practice saying “no” throughout the day: whether it’s a request for an undesirable hug, handshake, invitation to dinner, or other type of request, recognize when your discomfort arises and practice saying “no thank you.” I’m not saying don’t help people. But there’s a difference between assistance and self-compromise, the latter resulting from a lack of authentic consent to someone else’s request, offer, or advance. Practice saying “no thanks” when you’re not feeling an enthusiastic “Yes” to whatever situation, and notice how your body feels good afterwards.

2. You don’t have to provide a reason, excuse, or apology: Don’t always feel the need to explain yourself or apologize for saying no or shifting a boundary. Sure it depends on the context, but so much of the time we feel we have to over-explain ourselves, justify, or rationalize our lack of compliance, for fear of being rejected or for fear of “hurting the other person’s feelings,'' or maybe we even pride ourselves on being a “people pleaser.” It’s become part of our identity. Well, I’m here to remind you that you have permission to follow your feelings. It’s healthy to prioritize your well-being and recognize when a boundary needs to be set. Though some deem setting boundaries selfish, over exerted and self-compromising, self-lessness will ironically leave you with- less of yourself.

3. Embrace the silent pause after you say “no:” People aren’t used to hearing “no,” nor do they necessarily like it when they want something from you. It may throw off the “homeostasis” or “sweet spot” in the relationship dynamics. There may even be somewhat of a stun or shock to the person, especially if they’re used to or even expect you to be a “people-pleaser” or to always be agreeable. Model cognition and non-reactivity, try to refrain from apologizing, and instead, detach and honor the self compassion you’ve shown yourself while the recipient moves through their own processing and accepts your response. Generally, the moment passes and your body can then self nourish the corrective experience to associate empowerment and ease with saying no when ambiguous feelings of consent arise in the future, or when someone is disrespecting or overstepping your boundaries.

The beauty of this whole “nay saying” business is it makes saying yes that much better! Our body learns the difference between yes and no, and instead, we can tap into our pleasure guides and offer enthusiastic consent not only in daily life, but in the bedroom as well. We can reclaim our voices and our self autonomy when we set boundaries with others; an autonomy that is often stripped from us beginning in childhood, and it starts by saying “no thanks” unapologetically.

Everything is about consent. And it’s always better to ask before acting. There is strength in self compassion, and we honor ourselves when we reject situations that aren’t good for us and when we learn how to set boundaries, which starts with learning how to say no. Through this, we find empowerment and ecstasy in an enthusiastic and consenting “hell yes,” which will only help you to foster newfound pleasure and prowess in the bedroom and in life.

Reader Reflection:

I want you to think about what it feels like in your body when you’re consenting to something you don’t truly feel like doing, don’t feel totally comfortable with, or when you were pressured or guilt-tripped into doing or saying something. Believe it or not, our bodies communicate when we don’t want to consent, whether that is through muscle tension, increased heart rate, cold or sweaty palms, feeling panicked or paranoid, or some other feelings of discomfort. This may be because we feel our immediate safety, comfort, or freedom is being threatened.

Now think of a time when these feelings recently came up for you when interacting with another person, or when you were met with a request. What were you doing? Did they reach to give you a hug, though you didn’t want one or feel comfortable receiving one? Is there a colleague who just doesn’t seem to understand social cues? Is it a partner or loved one who is overstepping boundaries or causing anxiety in some way for you? Did you authentically and willingly consent, agree because you felt guilty, or because you were fearful of hurting their feelings, or apprehensive about possible confrontation or conflict?

Consider the following questions:

1. Do you need to set boundaries with someone? What might this look like?

2. How will you plan to execute this? What will you say? When will you speak to them?

3. How will this boundary help you moving forward?