I want to talk about a topic that’s been coming up for me and also one that a lot of you have asked about which is: compersion. It tends to be an unfamiliar term and experience to many, so I wanted to talk about what it is, how to nurture this emotion, and how it can benefit you, regardless of what type of relationship, friendship, or “situationship” in which you may find yourself.
Generally, the term compersion is used in the context of ployamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationships, however the emotion and experience can be extended to all relationships really. Simply put, compersion is when you can feel happy for your partner, being happy; that might be their happiness over a situation, sexual fulfillment, intimacy experienced with another partner if you’re in an open or poly relationship of some kind, or perhaps a new group of friends, work wins, or some other positive experience. People have also referred to compersion as an “empathetic joy” you might experience.
Feelings of compersion can feel like a warm feeling in your chest, your belly might relax, you may feel a softness in your neck and shoulders, or other sensations of pleasure and joy. Now in the context of polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, or even monogamous relationships, reacting with compersion is generally not our learned response, especially when we see or hear about our partners or even friends flirting with others, connecting intimately, or coming back from a date with someone else excited about the experience. In fact, many people tend to feel the opposite of compersion, jealousy, however the two are not mutually exclusive and can certainly coexist.
I read an article that discussed the ways in which jealousy is actually a survival response, a “mate guarding” behavior that protected individuals thousands of years ago that could improve survival of couples within communities and societies at large. More generally, feelings of jealousy arrive when we learn of a partner being intimate or sexual, or even friendly with another person. And jealousy can be a great messenger for us. It can show us what we need to work on interpersonally, and while it’s important to share the feelings of jealousy that may come up with our partners, it's also our responsibility to determine when it needs to be mended apart from the relationship, while being careful not to ignore or suppress the feelings that arise.
As unusual as it may seem at first, feelings of compersion can be cultivated; we can learn how to take pleasure in our partner’s happiness and fulfillment, even when it doesn’t have anything to do with us, and research has shown that this can lead to greater relationship satisfaction.
The first step is to acknowledge when jealousy arrives. Don’t ignore it, and don’t shame yourself for feeling it. Recognize it and acknowledge that it can also coexist with feelings of pleasure for your partner’s happiness. Jealousy is normal, and it can catalyze awareness and with practice, one can transform jealousy into feelings of compersion.
Secondly, practice compersion with non-romantic relationships. What comes up for you when people share their “wins” with you? Are you able to fully take pleasure in their happiness? In their success? If not, what are these emotions pointing to in your own life? Do you feel a warmth, or a tingling, or other sensations when other people share their joy? If it’s a romantic, polyamorous, or ethnically non-monogamous relationship, do you feel aroused or pleasurable knowing that your partner enjoyed an intimate experience? Do these feelings coexist with jealousy? Part of building compersion is simply observing, noticing, and taking the time to explore some of the feelings that come up.
Thirdly, recognize that it’s a practice and take time to stay close to and communicate honestly with your partner. Compersion isn’t an emotion or experience that necessarily happens overnight. Jealousy is more likely, not only the conditioned response, but the learned response as well. Be open to the process and be willing to experience the dance of emotions that may come up for you, your partner, or your polycule. For some relationships, this may require some negotiation for things that may or may not be done in front of you. For others, it may be opening up to the faint trace of pleasure or fantasy you have about your partner engaging intimately with others. And still, for some, it will be an opportunity to work on other emotions, to go deeper, to expand possibilities for pleasure, intimacy, and connection that go against our learned responses to societal norms and expectations.
Insecurity, jealousy, or even fear of separation or endangerment to our relationships can be normal and natural. However, compersion as a shared experience with our partners and our friends can pave the way for confronting our vulnerabilities, healing our tendencies toward comparison, and recognizing in the end, that more love for others doesn’t necessarily mean less love for ourselves. In fact, compersion can strengthen one’s sense of self, catalyze deeper intimacy and connection in relationships, and ultimately help us to find greater joy and pleasure not only in ourselves, but with others.