It is possible to heal from infidelity...read below for more information...
Infidelity can come in many forms, whether it be emotional, physical, financial, or otherwise. What is considered cheating also depends on an individual or couples' definition of cheating, and also on the agreements previously determined in the relationship. It’s important to have clear agreements around the boundaries of your relationship(s) to create safety, security, clarity, and intentionality.
Perhaps one of the most painful parts of infidelity is the fact that it’s a broken agreement, which essentially severs the trust previously built. Additionally, once the infidelity has been discovered, one may be unsure as to whether they should stay or go, as the experience can feel unsettling and disorienting.
It isn’t easy to rebuild after trust has been broken. Infidelity can be traumatic and create fear and resentment and can essentially threaten one’s feelings of safety and security in the relationship. Those feelings of fear, resentment, or suspicion can also be easily activated, even as time passes. However, if everyone decides to stay in the relationship, there are ways to find healing and new beginnings.
The Gottman Method, for example, designed by the Gottman Institute designed a three-phase approach to healing after an infidelity.
Phase 1: Atone
In this phase, the person who cheated shows remorse, and attempts to understand their partner’s feelings without getting defensive. This is where the individual takes accountability and responsibility for their actions. During this phase, the couple can start working together to gain clarity and insight into what went wrong. All ties are severed with outside relationships, and both couples fully re-commit to the relationship.
Phase 2: Attune
During this phase, partners focus on cultivating forgiveness, letting go of blame and resentment, and determining how to resolve relational conflict when it arises. In her video, “Ways to Deal with Infidelity” Moushumi Ghose mentions that the “injured party does have a little more carte blanche to ask their partner questions” when feelings of fear arise, given the safety and security of the relationship was threatened. Regardless, it’s important to commit to open and radically honest conversations during this phase, and all phases, of rebuilding.
Phase 3: Attach
This last phase involves reconnecting physically and rebuilding trust and safety with each other. This may take time, so it’s important for both partners to be patient with one another. It’s important for both partners to reflect on their needs for safety, trust, and emotional support, as your bodies get to know each other again.
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