S*x can be hard to talk about, especially when there is discomfort, embarrassment, or shame around the issue. In fact, one of the most common problems in relationships is mismatched desires, which can be a difficult issue to both confront and discuss with a partner(s). Differences in desire can put strain on a relationship, create resentment, and even lead to infidelity.
Types of Desire
Author and researcher Emily Nagoski notes two types of s*xual desire in her book: spontaneous and responsive desire. Spontaneous s*sexual desire happens randomly, with or without stimulation. Nagoski states that around 70% of men have this type of sexual desire, while only 10-20% of women do. On the other hand, some people may experience responsive desire which generally occurs after an external stimuli, like a partner touching them or watching a steamy kissing scene on tv.
What Can Affect S*xual Desire?
There are many factors that can affect desire. From medical factors, hormones, mental health issues, stress at work, relational factors like levels of attractions, self- esteem and confidence, perceived compatibility, and relationship satisfaction, can all contribute to mismatches in desire or responsiveness.
So, how do you fill the discrepancy? How do you create a space that is more expansive than cultural norms or expectations of intimacy? How do you revive the connection and intimacy between you and your partner(s)?
Redefine Your Definition of S*x
Many of us grew up with a very limited definition of s*ex and intimacy, given the lack of s*x positive education, inclusive representative, and overall visibility of marginalized peoples. S*x itself can become narrow when it only becomes performative, g*nital, and ejaculatory based. The body is more than our genit*lia, and intimacy extends beyond penetrative s*x. When we can expand our definitions of s*x to include oral s*x, mutual masturbation, kissing, cuddling, massaging, roleplay, to name a few, we can enjoy more of the s*x we’re having or would like to have.
Talk About It!
Communication is essential to a functioning relationship. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, and desires can lead to understanding and increased connection. Focus on using “I” statements to avoid making accusations, inciting blame, or shaming the other person. Try using the stem “I feel ___________ when ___________because _________." Communicate what you do want instead of what you don’t want. Make room for your partner’s voice and work your way towards compromise and negotiation.
Schedule Intimacy
Life is hectic, and a lot of people are resistant to the idea of scheduling s*x because they don’t think it can be “organic” that way. It may not even sound like the s*xiest thing either, but it can be a useful tool to enhance intimacy and revive your s*x life. Having an intimacy date with your partner is a special time you and your partner carve out for the two of you, demonstrating your commitment to each other.
See a S*x Therapist or Practitioner
Certified s*x therapists and practitioners at LAST can help individuals and couples manage mismatched desires! Whether that is helping you to redefine your definition of s*x, increasing connection, improving communication, or enhancing intimacy, a s*x therapist or practitioner can help support you and hold you accountable on your journey towards improved intimacy and connection. Book a consultation here! Certified Sex Coach Program Team (pleasurepsych.com)