Sexual denial or restrictions of some sort add a playful and hot element of psychological control that can be tantalizing, stimulating, and extremely intimate and erotic.
“And remember, foreplay is always happening so think about how you can integrate it into your daily life, whether that’s through sexting, sending sexy photos throughout the day, leaving a love note for your mate, or planning a surprise outing: foreplay isn’t just in the bedroom!"
In Defense of Foreplay
In Defense of Foreplay
In a society that propels, glorifies, and provides easy access to means of instant gratification, it’s understandable that some may scoff at the idea of any form of erotic sexual denial. Why would anyone want to postpone the “best” part of sex? Penetration and orgasm? Why delay gratification in the sexual arena when, really, let’s face it, it feels incredible?
If you’re not familiar with it already, erotic sexual denial is the practice of refraining from sexual experiences in order to increase erotic arousal and/or tension. You might prevent your partner from orgasming, or add other restrictions such as no genital play, no breast play, no penetration, etc. Generally, sexual denial or restrictions of some sort add a playful and hot element of psychological control that can be tantalizing, stimulating, and extremely intimate and erotic. Inherently, the trick is to prolong the period before orgasm to keep those love drugs pumping so we build up the tension in our muscles to get that intoxicating effect from hormones like dopamine and oxytocin.
Before we move on to specific tips and ideas for erotic sexual denial, how do you initiate, or open up the conversation for setting some new rules for playtime that involve some level of restriction or consensual control? You might say something like: “term of endearment _____, I love it when we tease each other. I was thinking we might play a little game….do you want to hear the rules….? Or maybe … “you know…I was thinking we might switch things up in the bedroom…are you willing to follow me and play by some of my new rules tonight? Some people prefer to be more direct… “I’d like to add some restrictions to the bedroom to increase foreplay and prolong orgasm, would you be open to brainstorming some ways to do this together to explore new ways of intimacy and play?” You could write a little love letter and present some multiple-choice options for your partner for the scene. You name it! It’s empowering when you can uncover your unique voice and authentic ways of expressing your sexual desires so your needs can be met while having fun along the way and keeping things spicy for you and your mate(s).
Some ideas for delaying or denying gratification may include edging, wherein you bring your partner or are brought to the point of climax, “the edge,” and then stop. Tying, teasing, sensation play, temperature or pressure play, or maybe setting certain restrictions or rules for behavior can all be fun ways to spice up the bedroom and add a little more dynamic play into your sex life without relying on old tools and tactics, but still working within boundaries and framework you and your partner(s) feel comfortable with. And, as always, consent and communication are key. Talk about your ideas in advance with your partner, or even what you plan to do to them. Turn it into a conversation that's on-going; start sexting, teasing, sending sexy photos, continue to add ideas for the scene. Bring your fantasies to life and build up arousal and tension. The teasing, the playfulness, and the eroticism can deepen intimacy and connection and be tantalizing and hot! And remember, foreplay is always happening so think about how you can integrate it into your daily life, whether that’s through sexting, sending sexy photos throughout the day, leaving a love note for your mate, or planning a surprise outing: foreplay isn’t just in the bedroom. Happy teasing!