The following practices can be done independently or with a partner. They are meant to inspire you into reflecting on how you experience pleasure through present moment consciousness, being attuned to the body and what’s happening in the moment, creating a deeper sense of intimacy and connection, with both oneself and with others, and even having a little fun along the way.
It’s time we redefine sex beyond penis-vagina penetration. There is empowerment in redefinition. Human beings redefine themselves many times throughout their lives. While there may be some constant essence within oneself, when you look back on who you’ve been throughout your life, chances are, you're quite different than you were years, maybe even months or weeks ago. You’ve chosen to redefine yourself and that’s empowered you to become the person you are today. The same can be done with our personal definitions of sex and our relationships.
It’s also time for a little fun. I myself am a very playful person. I love to play games and laughter is a gateway into intimate connections and pure joy and let’s face it, it feels good, not only to laugh, but to connect with our mates. However, couples oftentimes fall into spoken and unspoken rituals or agreements, whether that’s always having sex in the same place or in the same position, or listening to the same playlist, etc. Dynamics can get stale every once in a while, which is totally normal and natural. Because of this, it’s nice to have ways to enliven your connection and rituals with your partner or partners, or even with yourself, which is why I’ve outlined a few ways to reawaken a fresh dynamic with your mate(s), some of which are games, activities, exercises, and practices you can implement moving forward, and which may even become foundational to your relationship(s).
The following practices can be done independently or with a partner. They are meant to inspire you into reflecting on how you experience pleasure through present moment consciousness, being attuned to the body and what’s happening in the moment, creating a deeper sense of intimacy and connection, with both oneself and with others, and even having a little fun along the way:
1. Yes-No-Maybe Lists: You may have heard of it or maybe you’ve already played this with your mate(s), but you can always revisit the Yes-No-Maybe game. The Yes/No/Maybe list is exactly what it sounds like: a list of sexual, or sensual acts and experiences and an indication that you will, will not, or might do that freaky shit. Feel free to check out one here or create your own! yes no maybe (eroscoaching.com)
2. Soul Gaze:
Independently: Sit yourself in front of a mirror and gaze into your own eyes for at least 5 minutes. Notice what you see and what feelings come up without judgment. Journal about your experience.
With a partner(s): Find a comfortable spot in a seated position facing your partner(s). You could sit cross legged if it suits you. Set a timer for at least 5 minutes and simply gaze into your partner's eyes. Allow your mind to slow down and concentrate your energy on your partner. What are you feeling? Remembering? Desiring? What do you think they’re experiencing? Trust that it will become more relaxing and intimate with practice. Honor what comes up. If it feels natural, make time to share any thoughts or feelings that came up after the practice. Or simply let them go.
3. Pleasure Mapping: You can map any part of your body by expanding and developing your sensations through somatic learning. Soma= of the body. For this exercise, genitalia are off the table. Instead, try pleasure mapping, a practice wherein you simply explore your or your partner's erogenous zones, the places on our body where we feel unique and heightened sensitivity, stimulating arousal. Decide who will be the first receiver and who will be the first giver. Block out some time and set the scene in a way that makes you feel comfortable, relaxed, and open. Feel free to gather items like body oil, a hot towel, body safe candle wax, a vibrator, ice cubes, a blindfold, or even some other household items like a spatula. The giver should think of the receiver’s body in sections – lower arm, upper arm, face, neck, upper chest, lower belly, upper thigh, lower leg, etc. Beginning with the chosen section, use the first item, or different types of touch on this part of the receiver’s body at different pressures and speeds. Don’t forget to ask the receiver how it feels for their body at every turn and change. Be curious and be open to play and different sensations. When you’re receiving, communicate to your partners(s) what does and doesn’t feel good. Phrases like “yes,” “more,” “I like that,” or “no” “no thank you” or “softer” can all be helpful in providing feedback and helping your partner to understand what areas of your body and what types of sensations arouse you.
4. Uninterrupted Listening: Active listening is sexy. Try setting a timer and allow your partner(s) to simply talk, share, discuss their thoughts, reflect, etc. Simply listen to your mate without response, without nodding, or any responses at all. Practice listening with non-judgment and objectivity. Notice what comes up for you while you listen to your partner or mates. Do you feel closer to them? More empathy? Compassion? Do you feel a softening? How did that uninterrupted time feel for your partner? Try reversing roles.
5. Develop an Aftercare Ritual: In the simplest terms, aftercare is a “post-play-check-in” with your partner. You may even have a ritual or an approach to aftercare in your relationship, but if not, now could be a great time to talk about it. Everyone has different needs, and those needs might change, so it’s great to check in to see what the person enjoyed, didn’t enjoy, or would like to do next time to enhance future sexual and intimate experiences for everyone. After an emotional rush during a sexual experience, wherein sexual stimulation and orgasms flush your nervous system with dopamine, endorphins, and other incredible brain chemicals, there can be a crash, or what some may even refer to as “post sex blues.” Aftercare can help offer comfort, reassurance, and feelings of safety after a sexual experience. That might look like cuddling, debriefing, replenishing energy by meeting physical needs, taking a bath together, or some other mode of self-care. Talk about what you want this time to look like with your partner and acknowledge the ways it can strengthen your connection.
It is so easy to become disconnected from ourselves and our mates in the midst of our busy lives. Self-care may even get deprioritized, sex might feel like a chore, or we simply might not feel like we have the time to really sit down, slow down, connect, and take the time to do something that makes us feel good. This is your reminder to prioritize curiosity, play, and pleasure! I encourage you to choose one of these exercises to enliven that flame of connection and intimacy and even have some fun along the way.
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