Just yesterday I attended the virtual Desire Summit hosted by Residence 11, which featured educational sessions with over 20 diverse authors and subject matter experts across psychology, physical intimacy, technology innovation, sexual health, music, and narrative storytelling. I was struck by Jamila Dawson and August Mclaughlin’s talk on “Erotic Rituals,” wherein they reflected on the importance of exploring and setting time aside for the practices, routines, and rituals that bring us pleasure, and which make us feel good. Whether it’s lathering lotion over your entire body after a hot shower and putting on a cozy pair of socks, masturbating before work, painting your own nails or toenails on the weekend over a glass of wine, or laying down on a yoga mat and doing some deep stretching exercises pleasure practices can be both sexual and non-sexual; in fact, they don’t even have to involve sex at all. However, it is my belief that there are generally a few “key ingredients” to cultivating pleasure, regardless the practice or ritual:
1. Resisting the urgency of capitalism: Whether or not you find yourself on the figurative “hamster wheel,” the fact is capitalism and the competitive nature and urgency it creates in society feels inescapable and oppressive at times. True resistance is in slowing down and putting yourself first. Not only this, the chaos and frenetic energy driven by capitalism further catalyzes dysregulation of one’s nervous system. Whether that dysregulation comes through an elevated or irregular heart rate, anxiety or agitation, nausea, feeling “off,” or feeling overstimulated, capitalism breeds on a “fight or flight” response. Much of the time, a nourishing pleasure practice is rooted in resistance of urgency, with a focus on slowing down.
2. Developing mindfulness: In order to know what we want, we need to be self-aware. Mindfulness allows us to listen to our body. What does your body or mind need to feel good? Our breath opens up the gateway into a silent space, so we can listen to what we need to feel good. Can we pay attention to our body’s messages? Do we need to stretch, move, rest, self-massage, initiate an auric cleansing, or take a hot shower? Practice is rooted in simplicity; however, it is our intention and mindfulness in the present moment that makes a simple act feel more like a ritual.
3. Physical Touch: It’s so easy to offer a hug to others, or put our hands on a shoulder to calm another down or offer support; how often do you touch your own body in an intentional and loving way? Whether that is in a sexual or non-sexual manner. How does your body like to be touched? In what ways can you add pleasure into daily acts? Can washing your hair become an opportunity for a self-sensual head massage? Do you take the extra time to lotion up after a bath or shower? Simply laying down with our left hand over our womb or lower abdomen, right hand over our heart can offer a compassionate self, loving touch in the moment. Adding slow gentle breath can further regulate the body. Incorporate sense therapy: candles, scents, fabrics, temperatures. This is your time. Make it your own.
It is important to set aside intention, a time for pleasure, regulation, and renewal. The urgency, pressure, and chaos of a capitalistic society calls for resistance through slowing down and taking yourself in fully, reconnecting to our centers, to our bodies. Give yourself permission to be, to slow down, to do nothing, to do whatever you need to nourish and replenish yourself with self-compassion. Self-nurturance, alignment; balance and restoration is
easily overlooked in a world that seeks to deplete and batter. It is our personal responsibility to put ourselves first: You deserve to feel good!