How do you feel about dirty talk?
Dirty talk can be empowering, liberating, and downright fun! It stimulates the brain, increases sexual pleasure, and allows for deeper connection. However, it can also be awkward, and well at times, almost laughable if someone comes from a place of authenticity. It’s not like we’re taught how to talk dirty, and we, especially women, have been told to “act proper” and “talk like a lady” which means censor yourself, silence yourself, and mostly speak when spoken to (eye roll). Not only that, but many people also struggle to find their authentic sexual voice, understandably, with what little education and general openness society has around sex. Porn, for example, which is entertainment, is one of the few tools people use for navigating their sex lives, which isn't always an accurate or comprehensive representation of most people.
Thus, uncovering and empowering our authentic sexual voices might involve some language acquisition, language elimination, exploration, practice, education, and time to really take full bloom. In other words, talking dirty is a journey, so enjoy the ride!
For those of you who may be new to talking dirty, or who want to simply “amp up” your game, here are some helpful tips and suggestions for before, during, and after. Take note of what does or doesn’t work for you!
Before
Build an “erotic” foundation. For some, they might call this “the spank bank.” Tap into your imagination and start thinking about what you really like. What are some of your fantasies? What do you think about during self-pleasure or masturbation? Take note of the details, imagery, sensation, gender or sexuality of people in your fantasy. Name it. Note it. Start bringing it to life!
Reflect back: Start by reflecting on some positive sexual experiences you’ve had in the past. Focus on the 5 Ws. What was your partner doing, wearing, what did they look like, smell like? Start thinking about what aspects about your partner or mates, or people in general, you find particularly attractive and what turned you on about the experience. Use this material to inform some of the content for future erotic messages.
Choose the right words for you and your partner(s). We all have associations and memories we ascribe to certain words, and individuals can carry negative experiences or associations to certain words. For example, do you prefer the terms pussy, vagina, cooter? Dick, cock, penis, schlong? Boobs, titties, breasts, knockers, jugs? Do you prefer some taboo words that are culturally stigmatized but that really make you hot?
During
First, start slow and find out what your partner’s boundaries are. Think of dirty talk as a slow simmer, you don’t just jump right in! Embrace the slow build of tension and eroticism.
Use active verbs, name body parts with terms that turn you and your partner on, preferably not technical terms unless that works for you!
Be descriptive!! Zoom in on the scene and focus on all the juicy, sensory details. The more description the better!! You can describe your desires, find ways to praise your partner, role play, gender switch, ask flirty questions. You can read some erotica for some inspiration, or you can refer to resources like this one here to get you started!
Remember to have fun! Make a game out of it; it’s okay to be playful and even to laugh! Laughter can cause arousal, offer a nice shift or break in the tension, and can even open up more opportunities for conversation.
After
Reflect back! I think taking the time to reflect on your sexual experience either personally or with your mate(s) can be formative, but also hot! What did you like about the exchange? Were there certain words, images, contexts, fantasies, ideas that turned you on? On the other hand, was there anything you wouldn’t prefer in the future? What changes, modifications, and/or layers can you continue to add to the dialogue? The scene?
Whether you’re talking dirty through text messages, emails, 1-1, or videos, it’s important to remember that finding your authentic sexual voice takes time, practice, effort, and even a little education. Google some tips for dirty talk, jot down some key terms, phrases, or expressions that you like or that get you turned on. Practice writing dirty letters or emails at first, if you’re not quite ready to share yet. But most of all, learn what you like and learn to love your unique imagination, linguistics, and sexy voice, for therein lies your true power and key to liberation, eroticism, expression, deepened intimacy, and enhanced pleasure!