And perhaps a few other things not so "nice....."
Having the confidence to initiate sex with other people can take time and practice. Many of us fear rejection. We fear being seen and we fear the possibility of being dismissed for being us, which may lead us to retract, cower, or repress our desires and sexuality.
Other times, we just don’t know how to initiate. So, here are some helpful tips for initiating intimacy, sex, or play in a variety of contexts:
On Dating Apps
Notice something unique on their profile? Strike up conversation around it. Do you notice a landmark? Are they eating your favorite food? Do they radiate positive energy? Pay a compliment and ask a question that will spark further conversation without being too pushy. Gauge the person’s response. If they’re receptive and seem enthusiastic to talk more, continue with conversation and see where it goes, without urgency or expectation. If they don't seem interested, it happens. Leave the point of conversation in their court and be hopeful for another connection. Swipe on, playa play.a.
With Playmates
Depending on the nature of the relationship, frequency of interaction, and boundaries that have already been established, and assuming this is someone you’ve played with before, try initiating a conversation with some light dirty talk, maybe sharing with them some of the things you’ve been thinking of doing to them recently. Instead of divulging without consent, turn it into a question, or proposition, like “would you like to hear some of the things I’ve been thinking about doing to you?” or “I’ve been thinking a lot about our last conversation of getting more intimate. I’d love to share some ideas I’ve had with you, if you’d like to hear more,” or by paying them a compliment like “you looked so sexy the other night in those short shorts. I could barely contain myself!” Again, gauge the person’s reaction and boundaries, and of course, with their consent and reciprocity, turn up the heat!
If you’ve never played with the person or people before, perhaps set a time to meet in a non-sexual context, like a cafe or restaurant and take some time to connect and bond. If it seems right, introduce a conversation about intimacy and see if the person or people might like to talk about what they’re into or not into, some of their fantasies, how they express themselves sexually, or what turns them on. Simply talking about sex is not only a great lubricant for bonding, but a great form of foreplay too!
In LTR's
It’s easy for the passion to wane in long term, monogamous relationships. This is normal and natural. But that doesn’t mean partners or spouses can’t get creative and find new ways to initiate! It can be as simple as leaving little love notes or sticky notes with filthy propositions around the house, scheduling time for intimacy, or planning something a little more elaborate like a “stranger date.” Set aside time to meet your spouse in public and pretend you’re meeting them for the first time for a one-night stand to strike up a little roleplay. Read an erotic story together or send a sexy, flirty text. Maybe you’ve been thinking about all the ways you want to make your partner cum. Let them know you’re naked in the bedroom on their way home from work and tell them “you’re waiting for them.” This can build anticipation and arousal.
Closing Statements
Sex doesn’t always just happen. And generally, someone has to initiate. It shouldn’t always be the same person, partner, or spouse, and if one person isn’t in the mood, of course that should be respected. Generally, the person who declined the initiation should set the intention to initiate the next time. Getting over fear of rejection, self-doubt, and insecurity can be a challenge in and of itself. But the more we practice initiating and discovering what works for us, the easier it becomes.
More Ideas for Spicing Things UP!
Looking for some other ideas to spice up your intimacy? Here are some more below! Watch porn together
Mutual masturbation
Go to a sex shop and buy a new toy
Sensual massage
Sensation Play
Plan a BDSM Scene
Try a new position
Buy your partner a small gift
Plan a new trip/experience/go somewhere new
Enjoy a quickie
Buy some new sexy lingerie
Incorporate food in the bedroom
Play a sex game