Do you think fighting between partners, spouses, or intimate friends should be avoided at all costs?
What happens when we're physiologically activated or "triggered?"
Fighting
Do you think fighting between partners, spouses, or intimate friends should be avoided at all costs?
Most sex or relationship therapists might have you think again. Believe it or not, fighting can be one of the ultimate acts of intimacy, if it's approached with intention, and if the people involved establish consensual agreements for breaks, determine spaces for regulation, and if there is a willingness to find a win-win resolution which benefits both parties.
While we may not enjoy fights in our intimate relationships, they can be used as a constructive element for growth, change, healing, and a greater self-awareness. Before we talk about some tips for fighting constructively, let’s discuss what actually happens physiologically in the brain when we’re emotionally activated. Having an awareness of the process may help us slow down in moments of dysregulation so that we may recognize what's happening and instead of reacting, find a strategy to "practice the pause." Read below for more information!
Have you heard of the amygdala?
Our Brains
The amygdala, which is responsible for remembering situations associated with strong emotions, sets off our emergency response system, our sympathetic nervous system, and sets us off into action, or "fight or flight mode."
Adrenaline pours into our bloodstream, norepinephrine floods our synapses, our cells release sugar into our veins to give us energy to fight or run away from triggers, our heartbeat quickens, we might start to sweat, and we might feel the need to get away.
Basically, we get drunk on chemical reactions from our body, our entire system gets dysregulated, and everything seems extremely urgent. We might experience this during a tense argument where old triggers we learned during our childhood may get stimulated. (Easton and Hardy).
What to do
The first thing to recognize is that nothing productive will happen and nothing will be solved during this stress response. One of the first ways you can manage the response is to:
Take a break for 15-20 minutes without restimulating the stress reflex. Find a way to occupy yourself whether that is meditating, reading a book, watching a movie, listening or playing to music, anything that will help your physiology return to normal. When we succeed in this practice, we offer our bodies a corrective experience and an opportunity to physically heal our amygdala. We learn how to self soothe. Practice this and practice being kind to yourself along the way.
If you’re in a relationship, call a time out. Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton authors of “The Ethical Slut” suggest taking a “time out,” or having a code word or phrase like “time out,” or “red” or even something silly to diffuse the anger. Regardless, they recommend finding a way to separate yourself from your partner(s).
When you’re ready to come back together, find an activity that offers ease, comfort, and bonding., and that's low stress. That might be playing a game, watching a movie, eating a meal together, going for a walk, practicing yoga, etc. (Easton and Hardy).
4-4-8 Breathing Technique
The 4-4-8 Breathing technique is great to use when you feel stressed or tense because it can help to calm the nervous system, clear the head of distractions, and reduce stress. •
How to do it
While sitting, breathe in through your nose for a count of 4, taking the breath into your stomach. • Hold your breath for a count of 4. • Release your breath through your mouth with a whooshing sound for a count of 8. • Without a break, breathe in again for a count of 4, repeating the entire technique 3-4 times in a row. • Focus on counting when breathing in, holding the breath, and breathing out.
You can find more mindful breathing exercises here.
Closing Thoughts
Be ready to practice, to forgive, and to honor the feelings that come up both in you and with whomever it is you're engaging, whether that be a partner, spouse. or intimate friend. Healing is an art and a practice, and being aware of our somatic responses when we're feeling dysregulated can offer healing to our nervous systems, restore balance, catalyze a deeper understanding of yourself and others, and lead to more embodied experiences, healthier relationships, and deeper connections.
Citations:
Easton, Dossie, and Janet W Hardy. The Ethical Slut : A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures. 3rd ed., California, Ten Speed Press, 2017.